Captain’s Log
Tuesday, January 18th, 2022
It’s not been the most exciting of weeks aboard the S.S ShitShow. The crew went back to online learning and I was still laid up on the sofa with a bummed knee and therefore wasn’t getting up to much at all. I was out of puzzles, tv shows I wanted to binge-watch, and could only re-organize and clean in short intervals, therefore my mood was not one to be trifled with. The lack of inactivity was also slowly killing my creativity, I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to make a TikTok video or cleverly quipped captioned post. Life was downright dull. The only excitement I found was while doing the most mundane of tasks was pretending I was on a treasure hunt. My mission, recover long-lost forgotten cereal bowls and reusable straws.
I made some rather random and curious discoveries in my aimless hobbling however not all the missing bowls. Relic truly lives up to his name and delivered me some absolute gems including 4 of the missing straws. I tasked him to clean his cabin which was beyond horrifying and he came up with quite the booty of treasures from its depths. His haul included three trash bags; one bag for the local outreach, one for recycling and one for the trash as well as five loads of laundry.
While assuming the role of wash wench I came across some clothing items that were cause for pause. I discovered a pair of track pants, a single snowboard sock and three t-shirts that did not belong to this crew. I am thankful that I did not find any more random underwear last week, however, the sock was damp which trumps the underwear in the grossness factor. Heads were going to roll. When I interrogated Relic he laughed nervously and said “ oh yeah, my friends came back here after snowboarding and their stuff was wet, I said I’d wash it. ‘ I think what he meant was his mother would wash it. It was the plank for him, I told him next time I’ll add sharks with laser beams.
I did manage to drive once last week, to the doctors for an assessment of my injury and was quite shocked that despite Number 2 having “cleaned” out my car that there were still many treasures waiting to be discovered. Here I discovered a pair of size 8 Soloman runners, a hat purchased from a Heli-skiing trip( I’d have loved to have gone on), multiple beef jerky wrappers, a Starbucks cup ( that I did not purchase) and two water bottles. It appears that I need to start a Lost and Found box at our place.
I have informed the crew that as much as I love having guests aboard my ship that unfortunately this is not a Disney cruise, it’s a pirate ship, and therefore in the future, I would appreciate they pick up their crap.
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