I don’t think a mother out there hasn’t, at some point (or daily), felt like she’s consistently dropping the ball on this motherhood gig. At times the feelings of not being a perfect parent or being unable to meet unrealistic expectations can have this fierce grip on you, especially when we turn on any social media to a constant stream of seemingly perfect mothers. Did you make the right decisions, and will those decisions serve them well in the future? At the end of the day, will your choices be their therapist's future topic of conversation?
If you constantly worry and feel guilty about the shoulds, to-do’s, and other moms, this blog post is my love letter to you.
Let this be a reminder that despite being a great mom, you are also a fiercely strong and independent woman. You are allowed to want to be the most dedicated mom in the world and a woman dedicated to herself. The truth is your kids don’t want a perfect mom. They want you to be unapologetically yourself. We need to stop apologizing for what makes us human and stop feeling the incredible guilt motherhood bestows upon us.
1. Needing to be alone.
It’s not selfish of you to want to be alone; it’s called self-care. Get in that car, buy an expensive AF coffee, and sit silently. Go for a run or walk. Have a bath, a glass of wine, and that book you’ve been dying to start. Or, my personal favourite, take a nap! Making time for yourself makes you a good mom, not a bad one.
2. Screen time.
Over the pandemic, technology has helped our children foster connections, continue education and entertainment, and help manage stress. Have they been on screen for too much time? For sure, but these have been extenuating circumstances. Let's be honest some days, we need a break, and when you are deep in survival mode, a little screen time is often the only way you can get a break from the little people in your life. The most important thing to remember is quality over quantity, those little moments you share with your child are intentional, and you are present.
3. Feeding them fast food and frozen dinners.
I hate cooking, and I feed them Cheetos and fish sticks at least once a week because I don’t have the energy or care to cook them anything of substance. The occasional drive-thru meal isn’t going to derail the healthy habits you’ve worked so hard to cultivate. It's time to let go of those feelings of mom guilt and remember the phrase "fed is best" applies to all stages of parenting.
4. Your house is a mess.
This is one I really need to work on. I have yet to learn to let go of my guilt or shame when my house isn’t Insta-glamorous or organized perfectly like the Home Edit. It's a constant struggle to have to remind myself life is fucking messy, and some days my house looks more like a distribution center than a picture-perfect home, and that’s ok; it doesn't make me less of a great mother if sometimes my house is chaos.
5. Sex.
Not being in the mood for sex because you’re touched out, exhausted, haven’t had time to yourself in too long, don’t feel sexy, or your to-do list seems overwhelming means you're a human being. Whatever the reason, don’t beat yourself up sometimes; it’s just not in the cards. When the negative emotions and mom guilt rear their ugly head, we must let go of the negative self-talk and remind ourselves that it's ok.
6. Saying no to your kids.
It's not your job to be their friend or their servant. Saying no is essential in teaching boundaries and integral to their emotional, physical and mental health.
7. Working.
You don’t need to justify your choice to be a working mother; whether your family needs a second income or you want to work because the thought of being at home full time doesn’t fill you up with joy, that’s ok.
8. Being a stay-at-home mom.
It’s hard work and not for the faint of heart. Don't let the core values you have chosen be clouded by feelings of inadequacy, working mom or a stay-at-home mom; both are full-time and fulling careers.
9. Your Goals
Going after your goals, interests or passions outside of your family and offspring. In my experience, having hobbies and goals outside my role as a mother has helped with mental health problems, negative feelings and the lows of motherhood. They remind me that I'm more than just a mom; I'm also a woman. Spending quality time on yourself doesn't make you a bad mom.
10. Asking for help.
None of us know what we are doing, nor do we have all the answers; that’s why it’s so important for you to reach out and ask for help. Be it a break from your tiny humans or ways to manage your teenage terror.
11. Loving your kids so fiercely but sometimes not liking them or their stage.
This is normal; your womb gremlins live rent-free in your home and your heart; we all dislike their attitude, behaviour and choices at some point in this journey.
12. Losing your shit and yelling at your family.
Look, is it cool to scream at your kids? No, but are you only human? Yes. Let that guilt go, momma; we all experience feelings of guilt when we lose our cool. My unsolicited advice is apologies, explain to your kids that it wasn't ok for you to flip your lid, but it also wasn't ok for them to push you to the edge.
13. Forgetting.
I always drop the ball, forget items on the grocery list, dentist appointments, baked goods for bake sales, birthdays, cancel subscriptions, shit, this list could go on. I’d be a gold medal champion if forgetfulness were an Olympic sport. It happens, and considering the million things we must juggle daily, it's inevitable. I remember being a young mom and would experience feelings of guilt every time I would forget to sign forms for school or remember pizza money. Then a little voice reminded me that there were two people raising our kids and that I didn't have to shoulder all the responsibility.
I could go on, and the truth is the list is endless, and if we focus too hard on it, it can become all-consuming. Be gentle on yourselves, my friends; remember, you are only human. We do the best we can, and there’s wine for the bad days.
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