A girlfriend reached out to me this week and asked if boys get less disgusting as they get older and as much as I wanted to give her some reassurance I couldn’t lie. She suggested I write a blog post about it.
It’s hard to believe that your son could get any grosser, because I’ll admit tiny humans are disgusting, but inevitably they will hit puberty and morph into some kind of strange hybrid beast that is not quite a man but certainly not human. You will be plagued with a constant mess, horrifying amounts of urine, weaponized farts, food shrapnel, endless junk adjustments, putrid laundry, nose picking, body odour, shower phobias and an impressive ability to literally forget any and all social etiquette. Puberty is just a kinder way to say your teen is feral.
Somewhere around the age of 13 (perhaps earlier for others), your son’s voice will start to crack and they will develop a distinct musk. This odour they produce during adolescence will shock you to your very core. As a woman with only sisters, I was not at all prepared for the assault on my olfactory glands when my son reached puberty. The stench will permeate everything in your home. No matter how much laundry you do, or what type of high-powered detergents you use, the smell will always be there, lingering. It will cling onto the very fibres of their clothing, bedding, even the walls, and don’t even get me started on sports equipment.
I’m not sure why boys are programmed with such an absolute lack of hygiene but this quite possibly might be the biggest hurdle you’ll face with your son during this transformation stage. It starts early, the refusal to shower, then gradually it will escalate to an unwillingness to admit they need deodorant or change to their clothing. Laundry will become a weekly horror show. I have over the years managed to come up with a simple system to help reduce prolonged exposure to the toxic waste that is their hamper. (which applies to girls too)
You must bring it up and sort it.
If a sock is still in a ball, I refuse to touch it.
Sheets, nope. Hard pass, they can wash their own sheets.
Ration towels. I give them 2 towels a week that’s it. If they forget to hang it that’s not my problem.
Pro Tip: I like to keep tongs close by that way when I inevitably come across something questionably I don’t have to actually touch it.
The next major pain point is going to be the bathroom. If I could turn back time and redesign our kids' bathroom I’d tile the whole thing, install a drain in the middle so I could just pressure wash the entire room with bleach once a week.
There is just so much urine, It’s literally everywhere! The walls, floors, front of the toilet, back of the toilet, and the shower (yes the shower.) Honestly, I don’t get it, it’s not rocket science and yet it appears the toilet bowl isn’t a large enough target.
They also never seem to run out of soap, and not just body wash but hand soap too. I’m convinced boys believe that if you don’t touch anything while in the washroom then they don’t have to wash their hands.
Homemaker hint!- If your toilet and tile stink despite regular cleaning try using shaving cream. Apply all over toilet lid, seat and exterior as well as the floor surrounding and let sit for 20 to 30minutes. Next, wipe off ( i use a squeegee on the floor) and then clean as usual, using hot (boiling ) water to mop the floor.
Have you ever seen a lion take down a gazelle? That what is looks like each time your son enters the kitchen. they no longer taste or chew their food, instead they now just unlock their jaw and shove the food down packaging and all. It’s both horrifying and impressive to witness at the same time.
At this stage in parenthood, the foulness of your teenagers will has you longing for a baby just so you can sniff that new baby smell. Heck, some days I’d take a shitty diaper over entering my son's bedroom.
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